4 Letters: L O V E

I went to see my counselor today with my two best friends. It actually wasn't too bad.

They met me right after first period and we went straight there. We walked in the room and I could not find my voice, so thank God for Lauren... She knows me well enough that she knew exactly what I was trying to say when I couldn't speak, and Matt... ♥ While I sat there crying he moved his chair next to me and wrapped his arm around me... I don't think he realizes how much I love that, and needed that.

I don't know what I would do without them. It's actually kinda strange, because they're the two people on this planet that you would never think to have the emotions that they do. They care, and they love, and appreciate me. They are the two greatest people in this whole world. Sure, they're always at each others necks, but I would be dead without them.

After I broke up with David all the walls I had built up to hold my depression in, were demolished. And I hated myself... So much. I have never hated myself that much, and I have never wanted to die so badly.

But I'm glad that I have the support system I do... Lauren and Matt are everything I've ever needed, and I probably would be dead in my bathtub right now if it weren't for their Love. If they didn't tell me that they loved me, or how much they cared or how worried they were... I don't even want to think about it.

It became obvious to me today that all I need is some good, wealthy love and friendship and I can make it. I don't need my family, or some guy... I mean sure it'd be nice... But I have two angels.♥

This is a video I made last night... Watch it if you want.♥

a little clarification...

In my last entry I make it seem like he's the reason I'm depressed.

No.

A guy is and never will be the reason I want to die... But he was just the "last straw", I guess you could say. He was my saving grace from everything bad in my life, and then one day he was just gone. So on top of everything else, it was just hard to take.

Everything crashed down on me at once.

Not just our breakup.

I refuse to be fuhking pathetic.

so I got your message, are you having fun? with your fugly girlfriend...?

It felt as if the world just ended. When I hung up the phone and cried my way through the rest of the night. He was gone. And it was my fault... But it was for the best. Because in the end he was a FUHKING DICK!  just the wrong guy for me.

He's selfish! He's rude! He's gross! He pisses me the fuck off! He's the damn trigger to the blasted gun... He lit the match that lit this bomb in me. This bomb of depression and self-hate. He's the reason for this damn blog today.

We broke up obviously 2 days before Valentines Day, and I was a mess! I ended it for some stupid reason, and I hated myself afterwords... I stopped eating, and I've lost almost 10 pounds. I did nothing but beg for him back, and he said no... You wanna know why? Because he has a new bitch! girlfriend... So, he doesn't care what I do as long as it doesn't fuck up his love life... and he's been ignoring me, he said. I've tried being friends but I don't see it happening.

My friends and I all hung out this weekend in Aurora. We all stayed up all night talking and watching a bad zombie movie on Netflix. It was fun(: ... But then I took a depression test. A bad score is 15+... I got a 35.

So needless to say, I have a "therapy" thingy with my counselor on Thursday. My two best friends are going to come with me... I love them.♥

Well... I'll update you later. 

Night♥