UPDATE! UPDATE! Read All About It!!

David and I are back together(:

if I were to write a suicide letter...

This was back in Feburary/March. I edited it and uploaded it again. This isn't my current state of mind... I am very happy as of this moment (:

As of late I have been very depressed. Suicidal even. I was doing drugs and cutting again... I honestly, wasn't myself. I turn into this absolute crazy person when I get like that... And a friend of mine has got me thinking about why I'm like this... I mean, I know "why", but not why... Maybe I'm a manic depressive? Some kind of bipolar? ... Something along the lines of that. But anyway, this... depressed state I'm in causes me to think of ways I could potentially hurt myself... It's not like I mean to think of these things. I just find myself thinking that way... All the damn time. And some days are okay, and I don't think those things... But other days? ... I feel worthless, and down, and I just want to die more than anything. It is a terrible feeling... Sooooooooooo, of course things along the lines of a suicide note come to mind... And I would like to write that out for you here... What I would write in my suicide letter/note:

Just know this is what I wanted. Know that I wasn't happy here on earth, but now I'm hanging out with God and watching over every one of you. Know that I was in love, and my heart broke. Know that you're not to blame, or regret anything because you taught me so much. Know that I'll miss you, and I know you'll miss me... Don't remember me like this, or how I was recently. Remember me smiling, and laughing, and making you laugh. Remember my strawberry-blond curls and my blue eyes... Not this bloody, cold body.
Mom, you're beautiful. You're so smart. But you underestimate yourself and over-think too much. Take a breath. Look in the mirror, and see what I saw. See a strong, independent woman who doesn't believe in herself... You're my hero Mom. Stop hating on my hero! Stop relying on everyone else and seriously... Stop giving a fuck what everyone thinks of you! Because in the end they do not matter! I love you so much Mumma...
Dad... I love you. You were my rock for so long... But eventually I lost you and our relationship... If there's anything I regret more than anything, it's not spending enough time with you. You're so hard on the outside... But inside you're such a big baby! Haha. I love that about you Daddy(:
Samm and Zach, listen to Mom and Dad and Skylar and Jason... Give them a break. They're doing the best they can! They love you and just want the best for you, and sometimes that means you have to do something you don't want to... You know what? Get the fuck over it. You'll be 18 before you know it and out on your own... And then you'll wish you were back at home, being coddled over.
Tim... I love you Timmy. So so so so so so much. I'll probably miss you the most. You're my best friend and the only guy who ever made me feel perfect(: You're the greatest... Me and God will save some goldfish for yah, kay?(;
Lauren... Hhhhhh... Lauren. You were ALWAYS there for me. You were there to listen and support me. You cared more than anyone, and you could probably see this coming... You supported my stupid choices and didn't make me feel bad about them. You let me learn first hand... And you loved me... Love me*... And I love you too, Lauren! ... Don't think you could have done more, because you did more than enough... Now take care of yourself, and stop mothering everyone. I know. I know... It makes you feel good. You know what else feels good? SEX ;D Haha. Love you girl♥.
Matt... I am so sorry for everything, and I hope someday you will forgive me. But just know that I loved everything we had, and you... In a brother/dad way... Not the way I thought I would. Haha, but anyway... You're amazing(: and you will find someone who loves you and all your craziness(: But who knows, maybe you'll get shot and I'll see you sooner than later xP I love you Matt.
Gracie... You're amazing, and I'll be watching extra over you(: You're so damn beautiful! And perfect! Even if you don't think you are... You are. You have this great potential, and I just know that you're going to change the world... Or someones world... You certainly changed mine(: ♥

Josh, I love you. You have always been my best friend... You were always my reason to keep going... but I guess what happened this time was too much for me. I really wish you the best. I wish you get rich and have that fancy wonderful life you always wanted. And I hope you think of me... Because I thought of you, a lot... Part of me never grew up, and never stopped loving you.
Dad (Kirk), I looked up to you... for guidance and advice when it came to religion... And I loved you like a father. You really are the greatest... I'm really really going to miss you.
Mom (Kirk), you put up with so much from your kids, and you're still sane(: Props to you woman! :D You're so beautiful... inside and out. I love you and Dad so much.♥
T... Be nice to your parents and your siblings. They're the only ones you have... And give Donny a kiss for me(;
David... Oh David... I love you so much. I always have and always will... And even though I'm gone, I'm still here. I'm watching over you and wishing you the best life. I hope you get everything you've ever wanted, and that you find someone who loves you almost as much as I do(; ... and I say do... Yes... Because even after I'm gone, I still love you. This love I have for you is eternal, and it will break my heart until the end of time... If there is such a thing. I know I messed up... A lot. And you know I've never been more sorry. You know how badly I've wanted you back, and you know how badly I hated myself... You only fall in love once... Especially with a soulmate, and I fucked that up... If I could change anything, ever, it would be saying goodbye to the only good thing in my life. I love you so much David Allen Kirk... I'll see you soon♥

So, that's what I would write... But just in writing that I realize how much I have to live for(: ... So see yah around ;D ♥

soo, let's face it...

I'm fucked.

I am so hung up on David that I can't even enjoy or have feelings for the guy I'm in a fucking relationship with!! I cry every goddamn day because of him! ... And he doesn't even fucking care.

I am so upset.

I've been trying the hardest to just move on and forget him... but I can't. So I've just come to face the fact that I'm never moving on, and I hate myself for being so pathetic.

So, yeahh...

I'm fucked.

brokenhearted rant much?

Don't you realize?! Haven't you ever fucking realized?!

I LOVE YOU!!

... and I hate it.

I don't remember the last time I fell asleep with a dry pillow, or without waking up with you on my mind... I thought I had convinced myself that I was over you, but it became obvious to me when I woke up in tears, and started to bawl like a baby when our song came on the radio.

There was nothing like us, and now there's just nothing.

I am so fucking stupid... I hate myself! I really do... and honestly, it's scary. I promise I won't hurt myself though... But it doesn't stop the butterflies. The little black ones on my wrist. The ones that represent every time I've wanted to cut, or jump off a rooftop, or crash my car... You just don't understand, and you don't care. That's killing me more than anything I could ever do...

... I want you back so badly. I want to go back in time and take everything back. I want to erase my mistakes... or my mind. If I could run away and forget you, I would. I would move on and be happy, but I can't! I've tried everything! I've drank, I've smoked, I've read, I've written, I've cried, I've yelled, I've stopped eating, I've eaten everything, I've listened to music, I've talked to my friends, and I've hidden everything. I've even been in someone else's bed... But no one is you. No one will ever replace you... We were so perfect, and I just want you to see that!! I want you to want me as badly as I fucking want you!! I want you to feel the pain I'm feeling! I want you to hate yourself and want nothing more than to stop breathing!! I want you to sit and watch as I move on and fall in love and totally disregard your fucking emotions!! ... Hhhhh... I want you to be as passionate about me as I am about you. I want you to forgive me... and love me again.

... I wish I could give you what you deserve.

Nothing can make me feel like you do... I will never find a love like that again.

... I hate myself so much.

I gave you everything! What the hell?!

God, I hate myself so fucking much :/

Please... Please love me again... Please :'(