dickhead at the fireworks

So, my friends and I were chillin' at the Blueberry Festival in Wilton, Maine. We were sitting on a blanket behind some guys car. We were not touching his damn toyota piece of shit... But he limps over and says so impolitely, "stop bumping the fucking car." ... we all look around wondering who bumped his damn car... no one did. Then he started his car, and we all stood up. My sister walked over and asked, "do you have a problem?" ... "no. I just don't want you to touch the fucking car." He left his car on for a while and then we sat down. And continued to chill (: ... he then turned off his car and here we sit... like motherfucking bitches xD

warning: contains lovey dovey gushyness

I knew it... all along I knew that if I just heard his voice or saw his face everything would make sense again... I love David with my entire being. I love his smile and his laugh. I love the way he makes me feel like a beautiful, wonderful princess (: ♥ ...  I love that no matter what he will always love me, and always want me... I love that I know that... I love our stupid jokes and weird quirks. I love him so much (: and I can't see myself without him! ... (:

help

I am so beyond confused... and lost... and torn. </3 :/

logically and technically this can't be true love

My heart hurts because it knows that I have to go back...  I have to return to the place I hate and back to a family I can't stand... My heart hurts because realizing how much I love these two people is killing me. Technically, and logically, my choice is already made and I can't do anything about anything... but in my head, where I live, everything is different... I just want to scream! ... I want to confess everything to someone! But I can't! Because the two people I can confess everything to, are the two people my mind and my heart are fighting over!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING!!!!!! OR WHAT I'M FEELING!!!!! IT'S DRIVING ME FUCKING INSANE!!!!!!!! ... gahhhhhhhhhhh........

My mind is telling me that logically and technically, David is my one and only choice... and true love. But my heart is telling me to follow it, and that maybe Josh has and always will be my one true friend... my true love...

... some one shoot me.

couples dispute

So, the boyfriend and I got in a huge fight last night. It was awful. There was yelling and cold shoulders and hanging up and callbacks... ugh. You wanna know what we were fighting about? Gay people. Inparticular, my best friend who happens to be gay. You see, I'm in Maine for a few weeks visiting family and friends, my only friend is my ex-boyfriend who is now gay and who has been my absolute best friend for as long as I remember... and he was my first love. I'm not going to hate him because he chose an unhealthy and "unGodly" lifestyle, like David wants me to... I love my best friend, and he has always been there for me... for as long as I can remember... he saved my life... multiple times. I really do love him... so sorry if I refuse to hate one of the only people I love in this wretched world.

But, David texted me this morning and apologized... and I did too. We were both wrong, but too stubborn to realize. Things are better, but I'm still a bit upset.

a new me (:

So I have a few changes to the physical me... and emotional me too... I got my braces off(: yay♥ my hair is a darker red, and as of this very moment... I'm different. I'm happy... probably because I'm back in my hometown with my family... and him♥ ... I know, that's crazy... he doesn't even bat for my team anymore!! Haha. But maybe because of our past I'll always love him... but whatever... he makes me happy, and I love having him as my best friend... ever (:

Forbidden Love and Forever Love.

It's hard to be in love with two people at once. Loving one with you're entire heart and soul and promising them your love and future and affection... but then loving the other with passion, and everytime you see them you're reminded of your past with them, and loving how they treat you and understand you... it's insane, and a strain on the heart... but I know it will go away when I leave, and return to his forever arms... because let's be real, this feeling is just the past haunting me and the thrill of something forbidden.

BABIES EVERYWHERE!!

Soooo... My stepmom just had a baby, a lot of friends of mine have babies, and I just found out another friend from Maine is having a kid... WUT DA FUQ?!??!!

What is with all these teens getting pregnant?! Oh my gosh... I just... I don't even know... -.-

It really makes you think though, because I know David and I would love to give each other our virginities .. But we're terrified of what will happen... But we also really want to... I dunno... It's a matter that needs to be discussed.

Anyway, so yeah... I have a new baby brother :D His name is Bryson Steven Thomas, and he is SOO ADORABLE!! ... He's only 5 pounds, and a premie... So he's still at Ruby. :( I wish I could just cuddle him!! D: Gahhhhhh...

I wuv bebies ^_^ ♥

I guess that's all xP

Now here's some pictures of Bryson right after he was born(:

oh humanity.

So... I kinda just left you hanging with that last post.

SORRY!

I have been really busy with the show, and... my life. The last showing was Saturday April 13th, 2013. I'm really sad it's over. But, I'm kinda glad it's over too, because now I can go back to work and get me some moneyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!

Also, David and I are amazing♥ It's like everything bad that had ever happened and every problem we ever had, just disappeared... Everything is perfect.♥

And with everything great that has happened, there was equally bad stuff... Like on April 11th, 2013... My friend Coleman from Maine... He killed himself :/ ... I cried for days. I prayed. I even had simple conversations with God... But nothing made the pain go away... And nothing will but time. Also, just today there was a bombing at the Boston Marathon!! What the hell?! What is wrong with people?! Gawdd! ... :/

Well, on the plus side, Skylar is at the hospital, hopefully having a baby tomorrow :D

I'm gunna go cuddle via phone call with my boyfriend♥ hehe.

luvz ^_^

UPDATE! UPDATE! Read All About It!!

David and I are back together(:

if I were to write a suicide letter...

This was back in Feburary/March. I edited it and uploaded it again. This isn't my current state of mind... I am very happy as of this moment (:

As of late I have been very depressed. Suicidal even. I was doing drugs and cutting again... I honestly, wasn't myself. I turn into this absolute crazy person when I get like that... And a friend of mine has got me thinking about why I'm like this... I mean, I know "why", but not why... Maybe I'm a manic depressive? Some kind of bipolar? ... Something along the lines of that. But anyway, this... depressed state I'm in causes me to think of ways I could potentially hurt myself... It's not like I mean to think of these things. I just find myself thinking that way... All the damn time. And some days are okay, and I don't think those things... But other days? ... I feel worthless, and down, and I just want to die more than anything. It is a terrible feeling... Sooooooooooo, of course things along the lines of a suicide note come to mind... And I would like to write that out for you here... What I would write in my suicide letter/note:

Just know this is what I wanted. Know that I wasn't happy here on earth, but now I'm hanging out with God and watching over every one of you. Know that I was in love, and my heart broke. Know that you're not to blame, or regret anything because you taught me so much. Know that I'll miss you, and I know you'll miss me... Don't remember me like this, or how I was recently. Remember me smiling, and laughing, and making you laugh. Remember my strawberry-blond curls and my blue eyes... Not this bloody, cold body.
Mom, you're beautiful. You're so smart. But you underestimate yourself and over-think too much. Take a breath. Look in the mirror, and see what I saw. See a strong, independent woman who doesn't believe in herself... You're my hero Mom. Stop hating on my hero! Stop relying on everyone else and seriously... Stop giving a fuck what everyone thinks of you! Because in the end they do not matter! I love you so much Mumma...
Dad... I love you. You were my rock for so long... But eventually I lost you and our relationship... If there's anything I regret more than anything, it's not spending enough time with you. You're so hard on the outside... But inside you're such a big baby! Haha. I love that about you Daddy(:
Samm and Zach, listen to Mom and Dad and Skylar and Jason... Give them a break. They're doing the best they can! They love you and just want the best for you, and sometimes that means you have to do something you don't want to... You know what? Get the fuck over it. You'll be 18 before you know it and out on your own... And then you'll wish you were back at home, being coddled over.
Tim... I love you Timmy. So so so so so so much. I'll probably miss you the most. You're my best friend and the only guy who ever made me feel perfect(: You're the greatest... Me and God will save some goldfish for yah, kay?(;
Lauren... Hhhhhh... Lauren. You were ALWAYS there for me. You were there to listen and support me. You cared more than anyone, and you could probably see this coming... You supported my stupid choices and didn't make me feel bad about them. You let me learn first hand... And you loved me... Love me*... And I love you too, Lauren! ... Don't think you could have done more, because you did more than enough... Now take care of yourself, and stop mothering everyone. I know. I know... It makes you feel good. You know what else feels good? SEX ;D Haha. Love you girl♥.
Matt... I am so sorry for everything, and I hope someday you will forgive me. But just know that I loved everything we had, and you... In a brother/dad way... Not the way I thought I would. Haha, but anyway... You're amazing(: and you will find someone who loves you and all your craziness(: But who knows, maybe you'll get shot and I'll see you sooner than later xP I love you Matt.
Gracie... You're amazing, and I'll be watching extra over you(: You're so damn beautiful! And perfect! Even if you don't think you are... You are. You have this great potential, and I just know that you're going to change the world... Or someones world... You certainly changed mine(: ♥

Josh, I love you. You have always been my best friend... You were always my reason to keep going... but I guess what happened this time was too much for me. I really wish you the best. I wish you get rich and have that fancy wonderful life you always wanted. And I hope you think of me... Because I thought of you, a lot... Part of me never grew up, and never stopped loving you.
Dad (Kirk), I looked up to you... for guidance and advice when it came to religion... And I loved you like a father. You really are the greatest... I'm really really going to miss you.
Mom (Kirk), you put up with so much from your kids, and you're still sane(: Props to you woman! :D You're so beautiful... inside and out. I love you and Dad so much.♥
T... Be nice to your parents and your siblings. They're the only ones you have... And give Donny a kiss for me(;
David... Oh David... I love you so much. I always have and always will... And even though I'm gone, I'm still here. I'm watching over you and wishing you the best life. I hope you get everything you've ever wanted, and that you find someone who loves you almost as much as I do(; ... and I say do... Yes... Because even after I'm gone, I still love you. This love I have for you is eternal, and it will break my heart until the end of time... If there is such a thing. I know I messed up... A lot. And you know I've never been more sorry. You know how badly I've wanted you back, and you know how badly I hated myself... You only fall in love once... Especially with a soulmate, and I fucked that up... If I could change anything, ever, it would be saying goodbye to the only good thing in my life. I love you so much David Allen Kirk... I'll see you soon♥

So, that's what I would write... But just in writing that I realize how much I have to live for(: ... So see yah around ;D ♥

soo, let's face it...

I'm fucked.

I am so hung up on David that I can't even enjoy or have feelings for the guy I'm in a fucking relationship with!! I cry every goddamn day because of him! ... And he doesn't even fucking care.

I am so upset.

I've been trying the hardest to just move on and forget him... but I can't. So I've just come to face the fact that I'm never moving on, and I hate myself for being so pathetic.

So, yeahh...

I'm fucked.

brokenhearted rant much?

Don't you realize?! Haven't you ever fucking realized?!

I LOVE YOU!!

... and I hate it.

I don't remember the last time I fell asleep with a dry pillow, or without waking up with you on my mind... I thought I had convinced myself that I was over you, but it became obvious to me when I woke up in tears, and started to bawl like a baby when our song came on the radio.

There was nothing like us, and now there's just nothing.

I am so fucking stupid... I hate myself! I really do... and honestly, it's scary. I promise I won't hurt myself though... But it doesn't stop the butterflies. The little black ones on my wrist. The ones that represent every time I've wanted to cut, or jump off a rooftop, or crash my car... You just don't understand, and you don't care. That's killing me more than anything I could ever do...

... I want you back so badly. I want to go back in time and take everything back. I want to erase my mistakes... or my mind. If I could run away and forget you, I would. I would move on and be happy, but I can't! I've tried everything! I've drank, I've smoked, I've read, I've written, I've cried, I've yelled, I've stopped eating, I've eaten everything, I've listened to music, I've talked to my friends, and I've hidden everything. I've even been in someone else's bed... But no one is you. No one will ever replace you... We were so perfect, and I just want you to see that!! I want you to want me as badly as I fucking want you!! I want you to feel the pain I'm feeling! I want you to hate yourself and want nothing more than to stop breathing!! I want you to sit and watch as I move on and fall in love and totally disregard your fucking emotions!! ... Hhhhh... I want you to be as passionate about me as I am about you. I want you to forgive me... and love me again.

... I wish I could give you what you deserve.

Nothing can make me feel like you do... I will never find a love like that again.

... I hate myself so much.

I gave you everything! What the hell?!

God, I hate myself so fucking much :/

Please... Please love me again... Please :'(

4 Letters: L O V E

I went to see my counselor today with my two best friends. It actually wasn't too bad.

They met me right after first period and we went straight there. We walked in the room and I could not find my voice, so thank God for Lauren... She knows me well enough that she knew exactly what I was trying to say when I couldn't speak, and Matt... ♥ While I sat there crying he moved his chair next to me and wrapped his arm around me... I don't think he realizes how much I love that, and needed that.

I don't know what I would do without them. It's actually kinda strange, because they're the two people on this planet that you would never think to have the emotions that they do. They care, and they love, and appreciate me. They are the two greatest people in this whole world. Sure, they're always at each others necks, but I would be dead without them.

After I broke up with David all the walls I had built up to hold my depression in, were demolished. And I hated myself... So much. I have never hated myself that much, and I have never wanted to die so badly.

But I'm glad that I have the support system I do... Lauren and Matt are everything I've ever needed, and I probably would be dead in my bathtub right now if it weren't for their Love. If they didn't tell me that they loved me, or how much they cared or how worried they were... I don't even want to think about it.

It became obvious to me today that all I need is some good, wealthy love and friendship and I can make it. I don't need my family, or some guy... I mean sure it'd be nice... But I have two angels.♥

This is a video I made last night... Watch it if you want.♥

a little clarification...

In my last entry I make it seem like he's the reason I'm depressed.

No.

A guy is and never will be the reason I want to die... But he was just the "last straw", I guess you could say. He was my saving grace from everything bad in my life, and then one day he was just gone. So on top of everything else, it was just hard to take.

Everything crashed down on me at once.

Not just our breakup.

I refuse to be fuhking pathetic.

so I got your message, are you having fun? with your fugly girlfriend...?

It felt as if the world just ended. When I hung up the phone and cried my way through the rest of the night. He was gone. And it was my fault... But it was for the best. Because in the end he was a FUHKING DICK!  just the wrong guy for me.

He's selfish! He's rude! He's gross! He pisses me the fuck off! He's the damn trigger to the blasted gun... He lit the match that lit this bomb in me. This bomb of depression and self-hate. He's the reason for this damn blog today.

We broke up obviously 2 days before Valentines Day, and I was a mess! I ended it for some stupid reason, and I hated myself afterwords... I stopped eating, and I've lost almost 10 pounds. I did nothing but beg for him back, and he said no... You wanna know why? Because he has a new bitch! girlfriend... So, he doesn't care what I do as long as it doesn't fuck up his love life... and he's been ignoring me, he said. I've tried being friends but I don't see it happening.

My friends and I all hung out this weekend in Aurora. We all stayed up all night talking and watching a bad zombie movie on Netflix. It was fun(: ... But then I took a depression test. A bad score is 15+... I got a 35.

So needless to say, I have a "therapy" thingy with my counselor on Thursday. My two best friends are going to come with me... I love them.♥

Well... I'll update you later. 

Night♥

Everything Has Changed.

A lot has changed... But there is one thing that seems to stick out, and has really made a difference.

David and I had gotten into a huge argument, and almost broke up. He was on the fence for a couple of days and I was crying uncontrollably for those roughly 48 hours. The second day after school I was up in my room, on my bed, crying. I was tired of being sad, and I was feeling so alone and abandoned. While shuffling  my blankets around I found my Bible. I pulled it close and started to pray. I prayed God would help me, that He would fix everything. I apologized for hating Him, and ignoring Him. I asked if He would save me, and told Him my heart was His. I also have started to go to church with David, and I hope to make it a weekly thing. I love his family, and his religion, and him... I think this just makes us closer, and gives us a better understanding of one another.

I really see everything in a new light, and I'm really enjoying life.

Yay!

legal driving and bad vibes

So, as you can probably tell by the title... I GOT MY FREAKING LICENSE!!! YEAHHHH!!!!!! :DDD
I got it Friday the 11th of January, after finals. ALSO!!! I passed Spanish Two!!

SO HAPPY!!!

And my schedule is:
History with Graham
Earth Science with Martin
Yearbook with Lilly
Theatre 3 with Broderick

... I've got my semester made(:

Now there's just one thing bothering me, and that's these bad... vibes I'm getting. I don't know exactly what from... but I think it's from my relationship... /:
I don't know what to do... I'm planning on ignoring them as best as I can, but who knows.

Well, I'm watching Rocky Horror Picture Show... Cya!

^_^ ♥